Planet Verge Presents…
The Groupie Glossary
Chances are you’ve seen
The Banger Sisters, you’ve heard the shrieking, you’ve witnessed the
flashes (of all kinds imaginable). But in case you haven’t,
Planet Verge has created a Groupie Glossary, an alphabetical
agglomeration of attributes, events, and other related terminology to the
simultaneously dreaded and celebrated “groupie” label. We figured it
would be better for you to hear it from us than, say, Tommy Lee as to
whether or not you likely need a reality check and penicillin.
By Jessica Sager
Asphyxiation
– n. 1. What happens when a baby plays in a plastic
bag. 2. The feeling you get when you squeeze into your
nine-year old sister’s bandeau bathing suit top with a miniskirt to go to
a show, causing your body to resemble a conglomerate of occasionally blue
sausage-like parts.
Bitch
– n. The girl to your left you keep glaring at who looks
better than you do.
Cry –
v.
The flowing of saline from tear ducts as
an emotional release, an action often committed by pansies and whiney
folk.
Dance
– v. 1. To thrash wildly at a hardcore show without
regards for anybody around you—or their eyes. 2. To pogo at a
pop-punk outfit. 3. To grind in futile hopes of impressing the
lead singer with your hip-prowess.
Easy –
adj.
1. Joelle thinking of this word,
because I was stuck on this for about a week. 2. Non-selective
and non-challenging, as in, “I’ll take the drummer, the roadie, and that
peacekeeper with the ponytail.”
F – v. I’m not even going to go there. I’m a
lady, after all.
Giggle – v. An act, occasionally controllable,
that is more irritating than cute.
Hungry –
adj.
Your favorite frontman, who is using you for both hummers and hamburgers.
Intelligible – adj. Easily understood, eloquent
speech, as opposed to squealing like a piglet on methamphetamines.
Speaking of which, is that back fat I see?
Jessica
– proper n., adj. – Short,
brunette, and better than you.
Kids – n. if you have them, you are probably too old or too
easy for the band.
Love –
n.
a wonderful thing, according to Michael Bolton. And Michael Bolton
knows his stuff.
Musicianship –
n.
An unfortunately overlooked attribute of
many goodlooking musicians.
Neverland Ranch
– proper n. A wonderful place
for children, otherwise he would have been found guilty.
Ogle
– v.
1. What you do to the lead singer’s
package. 2. What the bassist does to the cleavage of the girl
to your left.
Prison
– n.
1. Where you’ll end up if you grab
someone inappropriately. 2. What the drummer will face if your
fourteen-year-old sister doesn’t stop pulling her skirt up.
Queen
– n. Possibly the best band
ever. Come on, did you really think I could come up with something
else for this letter that wasn’t offensive or a Family Guy
character?
Risque –
adj. The
clothing of the moderately skanky and attention-starved, i.e. the outfits
of girls who don brassieres or bikini tops with little or nothing over
them in the winter because they think their nipples freezing off is sexy.
Scene –
adj.
Involving copious amounts of black
eyeliner, a homemade haircut, a condescending attitude, and feigned
fascinations with The Cure and The Smiths.
Tits –
pl. n.
The mosquito bites that won’t impress the band when you flash them,
usually found on your chest, but some girls like to push them up to their
chins.
Underage –
adj. 1. The girl who swears up and down that she’s
really twenty-two and just doesn’t have a driver’s license because she
can’t parallel park. 2. The frontman of From First to Last.
Damn jailbait.
VIP –
adj.
1. Anyone with a laminate. 2.
See “Jessica,” because she’s friggin’ awesome, seriously.
Water –
n.
1. $3.00 if you buy it. 2.
Free if you stand on the side of the stage and get it spit at you by a
guitarist.
XXX –
adj. 1. Straight edge. 2. What goes on
backstage at Motley Crue shows—really, did you hear about the fish thing?
That was absolutely nuts.
Young HOV –
n.
One of Shawn Carter’s, also known as
Jay-Z’s, monikers. Hov, pre-Beyonce, pretty much did everyone
without a peen, allegedly including Nas’s baby momma, leading to their
long-standing (but recently reconciled) feud.
Zoom –
n., v.
1. The function on a digital camera used to take pix on MYspace.
2.
A function on a video, also compatible with night vision lenses.
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